Heartshaped Tears
by Firefly Angel
Summary: After two years, Kagome can no longer take the pain of being someone's shadow. Leaving Inuyasha and her friends, she sets off to find the rest of the Shikon shards on her own. But what'll she do when she finishes her task, if she even can? (InuKag)
1. Default Chapter

Heart-shaped Tears

By: Firefly Angel

January 22, 2004

Prologue: Second To One Long Gone

-( Kagome )-

Good bye.

I remember saying those words to you, right before I walked through and out the door and more importantly, out of your life. That was months ago, but I can still remember it as if it were yesterday, five hours ago, or even five minutes ago.

The look in your eyes bore into me, and haunts me still even now. They rested on me and captured my own eyes after those words made they're way to your ears. I spoke those words softly, barely under my breath but I knew you heard them; the twitching of your ears towards me and the sharp but almost unperceivable move your body made as you gasped in air made it clear to me. I never took my eyes off you, even as my resolve wavered and I struggled not to give in to the need to run away before my tears fell. 

Before the words of farewell were spoken, your eyes were calm and held a far away look in them, almost as if you weren't there in front of me, listening to my words. But I knew you were, if not from the way your clenched fists shook but from the way you stood rooted to the ground. You looked like a marvelous statue and there in your eyes was the epitome of confusion. Yes, before those words were spoken, your eyes were like the calm before a storm. But then you heard me say good bye and all of hell broke loose.

Lightning flashed across your eyes and the calmness in them were chased away by an anger strong enough to have stroked down the strongest of creatures, human and youkai alike. Your teeth ground together as you clenched your jaw and your knuckles bled white as your hands tightened the fists they had made. 

I was ready to leave then, willing my shaking legs to take me far from the anger that I had caused, until your aura pulsed and my feet would no longer obey the command my brain had given it. I had broken eye contact as I readied to leave you, but that pulse had my blue orbs flying back to meet yours. That was the moment I saw something in your eyes that I had hoped would never be there because of me.

Pain.

That single emotion in your amber gems broke the dam that held my tears carefully in check and they flowed freely down my cheeks. Shaken, hurt, and ashamed, I used all the energy I had left within me to calmly turn around and walk out the door, slowly and deliberately. It wasn't until I cleared the threshold that I ran.

After two years of devoting myself to you and only you, I ran away from you, even as my entire being demanded that I return to you and mend the damage I had done. I threw those thoughts that threatened to break my resolve into the darkest corners of my mind, losing them there. 

In turn, I lost myself.

-( Inuyasha ) -

You said you had wanted to talk to me about something and asked the others to leave, and reluctantly, they did. Even the kitsune left without protest and that earned a raised eyebrow from me. But then, I was happy that you had taken the initiative and thought nothing of it, brushing it off as unimportant. I thought you were finally going to tell me what the hell it was that had been bothering you for the past few weeks.

You might not have known, but I did notice the change that was in you. It was after my meeting with _her_ that you had become withdrawn, and I was too busy with my guilt that I ignored it. I knew that that was a wrong move on my part, and now I know that it's too late. It wasn't until a week later that I finally addressed the issue, but somehow, with your bright eyes and cheerful smile, you convinced me that I was being stupid and that nothing was wrong.

I should have known better and I've kicked myself over and over again since the day you left me for believing you. Gods, I was so foolish. But then again, I never could stand against that smile of yours, and you had somehow made your smile seem real, or was it just that I wanted it to be real that made me think that it was?

I stood with my arms crossed and forced my face to take on an expression of indifference. After all this time, I was still too stubborn and cowardly to admit how I felt for you. My heart screamed at how big of a mistake I was making in keeping my feelings silent but my mind had no desire to allow me into unsure territory, so it quickly put a stop to my heart's rants and raves. 

"Well? What is it?" I asked you, my voice distant but held a hint of concern. I waited for her to speak and was surprised at the words she spoke next.

"My powers have grown, Inuyasha." Your voice was quiet, subdued, and I should have examined the tone more carefully instead of just brushing it aside. I could almost kill myself for all the mistakes I made that day and the ones preceding it.

I let out a rude sound and glared at her. "You wanted to talk to me to say that?! Of all the stupid… And here I fucking thought you were going to tell me what the hell's been bothering you all these weeks!"

I should have started taking things seriously when you continued to speak in that damned tone as if you hadn't heard my outburst. Taking into account how loud it was, I doubted you missed it.

"After training and increasing my power, I've been able to hold my own in the fights, Inuyasha. I'm able to take care of myself and I can't remember the last time I walked away from a battle with even a scratch on me. I can protect myself now."

A low rumble in my chest had started to let out a pleased growl, but I squashed it quickly. To be truthful, I had noticed and I was very proud of her.

"So what do you want, a fucking medal or somethi--"

"I can't do this anymore Inuyasha."

The subdued tone gave way to sorrow and I closed my hands into fists in reflex, confusion rearing it's head. "What are you talking about, wench?" My heart lurched in anticipation at what you would say, but I ignored it, focusing only on you and the way your face seemed so pale. My heart screamed to acknowledge the dark circles under your eyes and the way your lids seemed puffy from crying, and stupid me, I had ignored it all.

"I would stay with you, I remember saying this to you long ago. At that time, I thought that I could handle it, that because I was with you, that would be enough to make me happy and keep me content."

"Handle what? What was there to handle?" My heart beats quickened and I wondered why.

"For a while, it was enough, you know? I was happy, just being by your side, making sure that you remained happy, even at the cost of my own. I was content with that if I could be by your side and give you what I could. 

But I have nothing left to give, Inuyasha. I feel so empty inside, so hollow… an empty shell. It hurts to be that way."

"What the fuck are you talking about?! Make some sense, will you?" I was afraid then, your words barely registering in my muddled brain.

"I stayed as long as I could, Inuyasha, as long as I could handle the pain of being a second to one long gone."

'Second to one long gone? What the hell was she-- oh…' It had finally clicked into place; your words made sense.

"I'll continue to gather the shards. After all, it is my fault, therefore my responsibility. But… I can't do it with you anymore, Inuyasha. The pain increases everyday, knowing that I can never ever be with you. It's a stab in the heart every time the thought that whenever you see me, it might not be me you see but her, crosses my mind. It gets so hard to breathe being so close to you, knowing I can't ever touch your or hold you the way I want to… the way I've wanted to for so long. I can't bear the pain anymore. So… I came to say…"

'What was she saying?'

"Good bye."

Realization dawned and my eyes widened in surprise. The clouds of confusion that was swirling around my head cleared as the anger violently pushed it aside. I suddenly felt hot as my blood began to boil and churn. Without realizing it, my fists tightened, my claws digging into my palms. The sharp nails broke skin and I could smell the scent of blood. I tried to release the tension in my jaw for they had clenched unbelievably tight but found that I couldn't. 

'I hurt her. She's been hurting for so long… and I never fucking even realized what I've been doing to her all this time… and now…'

I heard the movement in your muscles as you turned to walk away from me, and that was when my mind finally registered what it refused to moments earlier.

'… and now she's leaving me…'

Pain had instantly flooded me then, my heart tightening in my chest as the thought that I would never see your beautiful face ever again came unbidden into my mind. The thought of never being able to lose myself in your eyes as I stared at their depth and never breathing in your wondrous scent and allow it to lull me to sleep nearly broke me.

I looked up at you and only a moment afterward, your eyes returned to meet mine. I didn't know then that the pain I felt made themselves evident in my eyes. So focused was I on my own pain that I didn't understand why you started to cry. You were the one leaving me, so why were you crying? I didn't understand any of it. 

I wanted so badly to run to you, wrap you in my arms, and forbid you from ever leaving me, much less think about it. I wanted- no, needed, to make you understand just how much you meant to me, be it with my inadequate words or with a single kiss. There were so many things I wanted to do just to keep you by my side, but then you turned away from me and began to walk away. Before I knew it, you had walked through and out the door.

And out of my life.

I suddenly felt like a small, helpless pup again, and I didn't know what to do. My mind refused to complete a single coherent thought, my heart lay broken, bleeding on the ground, and all I could do was stare after you. I had never once felt as lost as I did at the moment.

And this time, you wouldn't be there to show me the way out of the darkness.

-=-=-

Disclaimer:

I'll post this only once. I don't own any of the characters from Inuyasha, just borrowing them for torture purposes. ^_^;;

Author's Notes: 

Well, this is my first Inuyasha fan fic, so I'm wondering how I did. This isn't the end, I have so much more planned for my fav Inu-couple. Lots of angst on the way, but this is an Inuyasha x Kagome fic, so you can probably expect a happy ending… probably. ^_^;; 

Well, now that the story's done, please review. I'd LOVE to know if you guys like or hate my fic. Comments and questions are welcome, as well as constructive criticisms. However, I won't stand for flames. So, go review! ^_^ If you do, I'll be more inclined to update. Hehe… bai bai!

(Oh, on a side note, what do you guys think of how the P.O.V. is written? I've never really read a fan fic written in this manner, and I've always wanted to try it out, so why not do so for my first Inu-fic?)


	2. You, Whom I Lost

Heart-shaped Tears

By: Firefly Angel

February 4, 2004

Chapter One: You, Whom I Lost

( Kagome )

Since I left your side, there never was a time when my mind didn't entertain the notion of me returning to you. The images and scenarios taunted me with what could or would happen, and sometimes, at my weakest moments, I sought you and the others out and it hurt me each and every single time. I thought it would get easier with each visit, but I was wrong; it only got harder. My mind always screamed at my heart, telling it to cease this unnecessary torture, but I couldn't help myself. Even if it was pure torture I couldn't stop, until one day I saw you… with _her_.

Three months had passed since I left you. I was passing through a village, a rumor about the Shikon no Tama having brought me here, and I spent the day gathering information. The villagers all claimed that the attacks happened at night, so a few hours after sunset, I set out to retrieve another shard. My collection had grown since I left you, and I had a distinct feeling that there wouldn't be that many left to hunt for. I had been wandering a good fifteen minutes when I felt your presence and heard your familiar attack.

"Kaze no kizu!!!"

Hiding in the safety of the trees, I concealed my aura more securely and watched as you and our friends battled the youkai that harbored the shard. Allowing my eyes to roam over the youkai, I immediately discovered the location of the jewel piece; it was embedded into it's neck. I had to suddenly stop myself from yelling out to you to tell you it's location, and I smiled in spite of myself.

'Old habits die hard.'

I continued to watch you silently while battling the urge to run to you and fight by your side. Each time you made a successful blow to the youkai, my heart soared with joy and relief, and each time you were hurt, my heart clenched in pain as if feeling the hurt myself.

I reached out to feel the youkai's aura, and found that this battle had taken it's toll on it.

'It won't last much longer.'

Just then, an arrow with purifying energy infused into it flew through the air and struck the youkai's neck, decapitating the monster and dislodging the shard from the youkai all at once. I knew who's arrow this was, even before I looked to my left and confirmed it.

'Kikyo…'

A loud thump resounded throughout the clearing as the youkai's body fell to the ground, but I doubted anyone heard or noticed it. I doubted you noticed it.

She was standing there, at the edge of the clearing, a triumphant look dancing on her face, and her eyes locked onto yours. I felt a stab in my heart, as if that arrow had not pierced the youkai, but instead had pierced my heart. My body felt numb as I looked at you, then her, and finally back at you.

'Has she been here all along… with you?'

Tears flooded my eyes but I was too numb to notice or even care. I didn't take note of how my vision blurred or the feather light kisses of tears as they rolled down my face. All I could think of was that you were here, with her… together.

Not able to take in the sight any longer, I quickly ran from the scene. I didn't bother to be discreet or quiet about it, for I doubted you would notice, too engrossed with Kikyo's presence to notice.

That day, I finally acknowledge the truth to something that I had known since I learned of Kikyo's presence.

In your heart, there would only be room for one.

And it wasn't me.

( Inuyasha )

The sun had fallen three hours ago and we were traveling through the forest to get to the next village, me in the lead and our friends following only a few steps behind. The silence was deafening, and the heaviness of the dark clouds pressed down upon our shoulders. That's how it's been since you left us, and for me, that's how it'll be until you come back.

After the initial shock of finding out that you were gone, our friends hounded me with questions: questions I had no answer for, and if I did, had no desire to answer. At first Shippou blamed me for it. Miroku and Sango were quiet and kept their opinions to themselves, though somehow, I knew Sango wanted to blame me as well. I wouldn't be too surprised if she did; she is your best friend after all. I was thankful for Miroku's and Sango's tactfulness and forgave Shippou for his accusations. As the days passed, Shippo learned to forgive me, but I wasn't able to forgive myself.

I couldn't sleep the first few days. The absence of your scent and presence haunted me, snatching sleep from my grasp. I thought about you every night and I still do. Everything seemed to remind me of you, remind me of what I had let slip through my fingers. The brightness of the sun reminded me of your smiles and how your eyes would light up with joy at the smallest things. The soothing wind reminded me of your caring personality and the light of the moon was a constant reminder of how you guided me through my dark times and never let me down.

Slumber was finally attainable after a week of sleepless nights; I guess my body just couldn't take it anymore. However, if I thought I would receive solace in my sleep, I was gravely mistaken. Nightmares haunted me in sleep as dismal thoughts haunted me in my waking moments. 

One night, I dreamt of you, lying in a pool of your own blood. In my dream, Naraku had found you and fought you for the shards in your possession. I stood, fixed solidly to the ground, and I could only watch as you fought bravely but in vain. You fell as Naraku stabbed you through the heart and pulled the organ from your body, still warm and beating, and as you lay broken on the ground, I heard you whisper words to me with your last breath.

__

Inuyasha… help me…

I remember that I awoke from that dream screaming at the top of my lungs. Shippou told me that next day that I was crying as well, but I guess I was too shaken that night to notice. Since that night, I only slept when absolutely needed, afraid of a repeat of the same dream. The image itself, of you lying dead on the ground, instilled fear in me, but the thought of you fighting for your life and me helpless and not able to protect you horrified me.

Since that day, my hunt for the Shikon shards stopped. I no longer cared about gathering them, only about finding you so that you would be back where you belonged: with me, safe under my protection. So there we were, heading for another village in hopes of finding more jewel pieces, for I knew where they could be found, so could you.

We were nearing the edge of the forest, that much I knew for I could smell the faint smells of the village. I glanced behind me and noticed that our friends were ready to drift off to sleep, and I hoped that we would reach the village soon, at least for their sake. Although they'd gotten more sleep than I have, it still wasn't much, and I knew sooner or later their bodies would suffer for it.

Suddenly, from beyond the trees, a howl could be heard and a youkai came stampeding towards us. It took me unaware and that alone was surprising enough to cause me to become cautious. 

'Why didn't I sense it? At least smell it?'

I drew my sword, taking up the battle only half-heartedly. It seemed that since you left, I've never really had motivation to do anything anymore. When you left, you took my heart with you, so how could I feel for anything that I do now?

Sango and Miroku joined the fight, but I paid no attention to them, only being cautious enough not to catch them in any of my attacks. Something seemed wrong with this youkai. It was a woodland bear youkai, ten feet in height but that was normal. They usually were gentle creatures, not wanting to harm anyone or anything and content to just keep to themselves. Wanting to end this quickly, I let loose one of Tetsusaiga's attacks.

"Kaze no kizu!!"

I stared at the creature wide-eyed as it shielded itself from my attack with its bare arm. Seeing the arm uninjured after the energy of the attack died down shocked me even more.

"Inuyasha!" 

I turned to look at Miroku, and knew before the words came from his mouth what he was going to say: this youkai had a Shikon piece embedded in it's body.

"Damn it, how the hell are we supposed to find out where it is?"

Now was one of the many moments that I wished you were here with us. Not exactly for your ability to sense the shard, but because your mere presence gave me strength to fight. You by my side gave me the will to fight for your safety as well as our friends. It wasn't just for my own survival, not anymore. Since you happened in my life, I've been more selfless than I remembered myself ever being.

While I was lost in my thoughts those few moments, a sharp whistling noise flew past me and I looked up just in time to see a purifying arrow strike the youkai through the neck, decapitating the creature.

'Kagome!!'

I turned to where the arrow came from, fully expecting to see you there, my heart swelling with hope, but it quickly deflated when I saw Kikyo standing there in your stead. She stood there, triumph clearly evident on her face, but she only had eyes for me, not the youkai that she triumphed over. 

There was once a time when seeing her beautiful face was the only thing I wished for in this world. I would have once paid anything for her eyes to see me, and only me. If I was the only one to ever hold her close, I would've done anything for her, and if she would only love me, I would lay down my life for her. I loved her once… so how is it that when I look at her, all I see is a shadow of you?

"Inuyasha."

Not realizing how long I've been staring at the woman in front of me, I broke eye contact and turned behind me to our friends. Miroku's face and eyes were guarded, hiding any emotion or thought he might have, but Sango's was the complete opposite. She didn't look at me, but beyond me, at the woman that she considered at fault for your absence. Anger danced like flames in her eyes, and her jaw was clenched as tightly as the fists she held at her side.

I heard movement behind me, and turned to watch Kikyo move to where the youkai's corpse lay and watched still as she kneeled and picked something off the ground. The object glinted and sparkled in her hands as she purified it and I realized it was a Shikon no Kakera. 

"Where is she, Inuyasha?"

I knew she spoke of you without even having to ask. Of course she spoke of you. Only at those times would her voice be harder than steel and colder than ice.

"Has she betrayed you, Inuyasha? Has she betrayed you and left you?"

At her words, a sharp pain in my heart made me wince visibly. I've slowly accepted that you were gone, but my heart still refused to believe that you wouldn't return to me. There was and always will be that shining hope within me that you will some day come back.

"What do you want, Kikyo?"

"Why did she leave you, Inuyasha?"

I couldn't answer her. My throat had tightened, and it was a struggle for me to keep back the tears.

"Or was it you that forced her to depart?"

"No! I would never!"

"Then where is she?"

I turned my back on her and clenched my fists to keep myself from lashing out. What did she want from me? To admit that yes, it was my stupidity that drove her away? The Gods only know how much I punish myself for it.

"We're leaving."

My words were a soft whisper and tight with constraint as I spoke to our friends. I couldn't stand here any longer when all Kikyo reminded me of was you.

"Take me with you. You cannot find the jewel pieces without my sight now that she is not here."

"We don't need your help."

Once upon a time, I would have gladly accepted her offer. I would've once done anything to keep her close to me. But now, her presence only brought about pain; pain of seeing you looking out through her eyes and pain of seeing your face in hers.

How could I be with her when all my thoughts revolved around you? You, whom I lost. I couldn't possibly, so all I could do was walk away.

  
So walk away, I did.

( Kagome )

I dreamt of you again. Funny how even though I forbid myself to think of you, my heart and my subconscious mind wouldn't obey. In my dream, you were with Kikyo, she who I am but a shadow of.

In my dream, you were happy with her, happier than you ever were with me.

In this dream, I watched the two of you from the shadows, silently wishing it was me instead of her that you held in your arms. Your eyes would light up when you would look at her, and hers would do the same. You would hold her tenderly, as you never did me, and brush her hair from her eyes with gentleness. She, in return, would smile a brilliantly warm smile and gently kiss your lips. You would kiss her back.

With each gentle exchange of affection, pieces of my already brittle heart would break. It broke and crumbled until there was nothing left as I silently watched each loving touch and the kisses you both shared. In my dream, sitting in the shadows, silent tears cascaded down my cheeks, but when I woke, those tears would still be there as well as the heartbreak and pain.

Each time I woke, I would just lay there, holding myself tight, wishing for the coldness to go away and that you were here to vanquish them with your touch. I would lay there in the dark with my tears, until sleep would take me again. 

I knew I would dream of you again. I don't think I can ever stop, no matter how much it hurts. No matter how much I try, I will always dream of you…

But you will never dream of me.

****

To be continued…


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